Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The War Within

Realized, over the past few days of dieting, headaches, depression and vanity, that I am mentally anorexic (no, that doesn't mean I'm dumb), but physically a GLUTTON.

I hate the way my body is right now, although I don't show it. People think I am a confident, happy person who enjoys cooking, eating and blogging about these two passions. Outwardly, they are my passions. Everyday I cook, experiment, taste, savor, offer morsel after morsel of the most delicious edibles to my grateful, starving body. But deep inside it is a struggle. I want to be THIN. Not sexy or curvy, but an extra-small sized waif with with skinny legs and arms, bony cheeks, sharp collarbones on a hanger-like frame. I know it's the most unattractive way to be (no offense to supermodels out there or genetically-gifted size zeros) but I can't help it.

When I'm thin, and I used to be a year ago, I buy clothes like there's no tomorrow. I strut my stuff, wear revealing oufits, and pose for pictures whenever possible (and generally I don't like having my picture taken). Then when I gain all the weight back I look at my former pictures and sigh wistfully.

You could call me a yo-yo dieter. Or simply a food-loving manic depressive shithead. Whatever.

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